Muggin' and Clubbin'
by Tami the Scene Queen
Summary: Lifty and Shifty are bored as fuck, and have no idea what to do. They've tried everything, even watching Honey Boo Boo. All of a sudden an idea hits Shifty! The club, it's absolutely perfect. Money, beer, strippers, stealing, and ladies! How will things turn out for them? How will their night end up like? Will anybody get laid? You'll have to find out! ;) [HUMANIZED or ANIME HTF]
1. Bored as Hell

**Author's Note: Hey Belle here! This is going to be the first fan fiction I will publish on this website! :) Lifty and Shifty are my favorite Happy Tree Friends, I love them! :D This is gonna be a short story and it is meant for laughs, it isn't serious! Please enjoy what I have written so far! :3**

It was another crappy day in the apartment building Lifty and Shifty were staying in. There was Takis and Doritos everywhere, including some empty cups of Top Ramen. "Man this bites!" Shifty groans, watching Honey Boo Boo because he had nothing better to do. "I feel ya." Lifty says, agreeing with his brother for once. Shifty rolls around in his couch and throws a pillow out of the window out of anger. Outside of their crappy apartment was Lumpy, strolling down the sidewalk of Happy Tree Town minding his own business for once. A pillow and shards of glass broke from the window and came hurdling towards Lumpy. "Doo doo doo doo doo I love sexy sandwiches!" He sings in tune. All of a sudden, the pillow Shifty threw landed on Lumpy's head. He scans it closely, then nuzzles up to it. What he didn't realize was that pieces of glass weren't far from hitting him. "AHHH!" He screamed in agonizing pain once glass pierced him all over his body.

Shifty and Lifty both hear screams coming from outside, and stare oddly at each other. "What the hell was that?" Lifty asks, muddled. "Ehh probably Flippy and Flaky getting it on...AGAIN!" Shifty replies annoyed obviously. They both take a look out the window to see Lumpy lying on the ground, dead with pieces of glass sticking out of him. "Ew." Shifty hastily reacts. Lifty snickers, "I have an idea!" Shifty tilts his head a little. "What is it?" A grin spread across Lifty's face, "Let's see if Lumpy has any cash on him." Shifty high fives Lifty now smiling. "Great idea! I have taught you well little bro!" With Shifty and Lifty's room in their apartment being on the 13th floor, they decided to do some parkour. "HARDCORE!" they both shout with enthusiasm.

"Now that was awesome!" Lifty shouted once he and his brother got down from their apartment. "Fuck yeah!" Shifty yells, now standing over Lumpy. They pull out a subway sandwich wallet out of Lumpy's jean pocket and snicker at what they see inside. "Alright $134! We scored!" they both shout in unison, and laughing afterwards. "Ok now what should we do?" Lifty asks. Shifty rubs his chin, trying to come up with ideas to entertain both him and his brother. "Let's go to the club! We haven't been there before and it's the hottest place in town." Lifty's eyes lit up and he smiles. "Great idea Shifty! Will there be any hot girls?" He playfully nudges his brother, hoping for a "yes". "Well DUH, there has to be. They call it a 'club' for a reason." Lifty shrugs, "I guess you're right. Now c'mon let''s get a move on." Shifty nods and follows his brother. They see Disco Bear driving his caddy with the windows rolled down, listening to, "I'm Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO. Lifty grabs a rainbow sloth and chucks it at the car, breaking Disco Bear's mirror. "Yo dawgs, I don't see what your problem is." He shouts now pissed off. Shifty grabs Disco Bear and threw him out of the car, "This is ours now bitch!" Lifty laughs his ass off as he jumps inside the caddy with Shifty at the wheel. "Later Disco Boob!" Lifty yells, leaving both the kleptomaniac brothers laughing hysterically. Disco Bear was rubbing his head in confusion as the rainbow sloth starts dry humping him. "Giggity!" it said.

**Belle: That's all I can do for today lol! There will be more coming soon I promise!**

**Lifty: If you don't have anything nice to say in the reviews-**

**Shifty: Let's just say your bank account is going to be empty! :D**

**Belle: Woah guys that's kinda harsh haha!**

**Shifty: Hey babe, you gonna be at the club?**

**Belle: Uh no, I'm just the author of this story!**

**Shifty: Damn...**

**Lifty: Hahahaha! xD**


	2. The Party

**A/N: Hey guys, I am SO sorry for not updating in a while! Spring break was crazy going to Disneyland, Six Flags, Palm Springs, and Tuscon! I saw the reviews so far and thank you all! :) ((Thank you especially to Squeezi))**

*** Shifty's POV ***

Hahahaha oh my fucking god, that was HILARIOUS taking Disco Bear's caddy and driving it over to the club. It took about five minutes before we arrived and were there. When me and Lifty got outside, we read the sign "Pussycat Pole Dancers". I smirk as I read the sign as I look to my right I see Lifty jumping up and down with excitement. I could easily tell he wanted to go inside so I just sighed, "Ok dude, let's go!" He grabbed my hand as we rushed inside through the entrance. "WOW!" I comment loudly as I look inside the place. There were strobe lights everywhere, sexy chicks, drinks, stereo, and a band playing. I look around the whole room...it was like a dream come true.

Lifty and I go up to the bar because we felt like having a shot or two. "Man this place kicks major ass!" Lifty says. I nod my head and agree. "So true, let's party hard tonight Lift!" He slams his fist on the table and yells, "FUCK YEAH!" Right at that moment, Barbra Streisand appears in front of us wearing a corset and fishnet tights. "Yo, what may I get for you bums?" Lifty and I stare at her in utter confusion. "Why the fuck is your nose SO big?" I comment making her a little pissed. "Hey don't disrespect my sexy jelly roll nose m'kay?" Lifty snickers as I just roll my eyes, "Yeah...whatever, do you serve drinks?" She nods her head. "Get 24 jello shots for me and my bro, and some Jack and Gin." Lifty orders her, like she was our maid or bitch or...whatever. She waddles away to get what we ordered, and brings it back to use. "There ya go!" We take what we can get, as I take a sip of my Jack Daniel's. "Thanks lady!" Barbra Streisand let's out a really nasty fart and me and Lifty cover our noses and scream, "EW!" She then burps and comes closer to us, "Can I get a kiss from you boys?" Me and Lifty shudder and look over at her like she was a parasite. "Fuck no bitch!" Lifty replies, leaving me laughing my ass off for at least 3 minutes. "Whateva," Barbra says. "I'm going to ride that guy." She points over at Flippy who is smoking a cigarette. With both of us knowing about Flippy's PTSD, we started laughing so hard we couldn't breath. Barbra Streisand huffs and walks away, leaving us at peace...finally.

One by one, Lifty and I were taking all of our jello shots and drinking the night away. "Great idea of bringing us here Shift." Lifty mutters, letting out a burp. "Hahaha I know, I'm a genius." I brag looking at the leftover drinks we had. "Hey! Hey! Hey! Lifty!" "WHAT?!" He yells looking pretty annoyed by me. "What...what do you think will happen if we mix Jack and Gin together..." I ask feeling a little tipsy at the table. Lifty smirks and nods his head, "Yeah what would happen? Let's try it!" I agree. Out of no where, Giggles comes up to us and asks, "What are you two doing here?" In her super high pitched and annoying voice. "What does it look like we're doing?" I reply hastily. "Yeah, we are going to drink ourselves to death." Lifty adds. Giggles shrugs, "Yeah ok." An idea came to me and I knew exactly what to do, "Hey Giggles, look, it's Cuddles!" I call out. "WHERE?" She shrieks with excitement, acting crazy trying to find the blond. Lifty and I snatched her purse and all the money in her pockets and snicker. "I don't see him," Giggles says. "Hey! Where's my purse...and my money?" Lifty smiles, "It was Cro-Marmot, he did it." Giggles grit her teeth together and anger and took out a random light saber. "WHERE ARE YOU CRO?" She screams out like a mad woman. "THAT ICE BLOCK CAN'T KEEP YOU SAFE FOREVER!" She giggles insanely, running away from us to find the prehistoric ice man. For once, I was actually impressed by my brother's tactics. "Nice going bro!" I say, giving Lifty a high five with a smile. "Thanks haha. It was nothing...anyways you wanna take that Jack and Gin." I look at him like he was stupid, "Uhhhh DUH!"

When the drink was poured in, we both chugged down the cup of liquid. "AHHHHHHH!" We both scream, rolling on the floor leaving people staring at us in wonder. "I-It burns..." were the words that came out of my mouth. Literally, the drink felt like burning acid and pepper flakes coming down our throats. We struggle to get up and finally get back on our seats, staring at the drink we just took. "We are really stupid!" Lifty states. "I know...let's drink the rest because I want crazy shit to happen." I say, probably sounding very idiotic to other people. "Ok!" Lifty agrees as we drink the rest, with more painful screams in agonizing pain following.

About 25 minutes later, I didn't really feel like myself and my vision became blurry. I glance over to the side to see that Lifty was gone. The music playing in the background was real faint, but I could make out who it was by...it was One Direction. "OH THE HORROR!" I scream, stumbling over. "Ok ok ok this is it, I am a star." I thought, probably getting affected by the drink. In the distance, I saw some really hot pole dancers, wrapping their hands around those metal poles on the stage. "Damn!" I said, now with my face flushing. I walk over there and fell on the ground a couple of times, but who cares. The point was I was walking over there to see some action from the ladies. "Maybe I can steal some panties." I thought snickering to myself. Next thing I know, I swear, I saw Chuck Norris and Patrick Star in a fist fight. It was the weirdest thing I have ever seen in my life, but it was real. "Stop it you guys, get a long!" I yell, but they didn't listen...they...they just kept going and going. I sigh and continue walking towards the dancing girls. The first one on the pole, I swear it was Splendid, and he had gold stars on his nipples...it was weird. Next, I went to another pole trying to get the thought of that weird superhero out of my head. The next dancer had a really nice ass. "Hey sexy, get over here." I yell out loud to her, but to turn around...it was Bad Luck Brian wearing a G-string. "EW THAT IS GROSS!" I scream. But the last girl...oh my...she was so fine. I go near the last pole and there she was, the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She had a huge ass, a nice big rack, a lean body, sexy legs, and she was beautiful. The girl had long blond hair and sparkling blue eyes, she wore a sexy leopared bra, a black garterbelt and tights, high heels, and well that's it. But I wanted all of that off her right at that moment. "Hey beautiful!" I call out, leaving her to turn around to get a good look at me. "Give me show I will remember!" I demand, smirking and giving her a wink. She smiles and struts over towards me, leaning down from the stage. "Gladly!" She replies, seductively.

**Belle: That was a lot of writing for me! Phew! **

**Shifty: Thanks for putting me in such a nice position girlie! xD**

**Belle: No problem...just doing my job!**

**Lifty: Hey what about me?! *pouts***

**Belle: You're in the next chapter silly! :P**

**Lifty: Yay ok...anything interesting?**

**Belle: *evil smile* You'll see...**


	3. High or just plain out Weird?

**A/N: I apologize for updating this so late! I really am! I made a very interesting, funny, sexy, weird chapter so I hope that makes everyone happy! Thanks for the 6 reviews so far, it makes me happy and motivates me to keep writing and to get better at it! Hope you all enjoy! :)**

*** Lifty's POV ***

Damn! I can't believe I actually took Jack and Gin at the same time. Well, Shifty did too but that just means we are both messed up. We were at the bar and my brother was feeling woozy. "Lifty!" He groans, I glance over…but his image was very blurry. "What?" I reply in utter confusion. Shifty didn't answer me. He just passed out right there on the ground. I don't get as drunk or wasted as my brother, but the mixed drink is taking a huge toll on me. You know how? Because the next thing I know, I shout "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT SUSAN BOYLE!" And I storm off, far away from my unconscious brother.

My body seems to be moving on its own, and I can't control myself. All of a sudden, I get slammed into by Russell with a bottle of rum in his hand. "Yar, sorry lad! The rum is gettin' me kinda tipsy." "Ow…FUCK that hurt!" I yell slightly. I'm serious! I have a massive headache right now from drinking so much, and it's not fun. "I said I'm sorry ye drunken' bastard." Russell shouts. "WOAH!" I scream. "DON'T SHOOT A CANNON TOWARDS MY DICK LIKE LAST TIME!" He raises an eyebrow and looks at me like I just had a one-night stand with Rosie O'Donnell. "…I never did that…" My eyes widen and say, "Oh…"

Mime randomly comes out of nowhere, and blows into one of his balloons. "Ahoy matey!" Russell greets with a smirk. Mime starts forming a shape of some kind into the balloon. "Is it a pony?" I ask, twitching rapidly. The silent artist shakes his head and Russell takes a guess. "Is it me sword?" Once again, Mime shakes his head and giggles without a sound. "No way…." I trail off. "A penis-shaped balloon…is that really necessary?" Mime shakes his head repeatedly and hands the balloon over to Russell. He paws at Mime's shirt with one hand and tugs at his pants zipper with his hook. "Ye naughty sea man!" Mime blushes and makes a blow job hand motion with his mouth. The next thing I know, they start making out with each other hard. "Ok, you know what! This is awkward!" I state. "Get a fucking room, I'm out!"

I do a couple of cartwheels and frolic around while singing "Tiptoe through the Tulips" by Tiny Tim. And I can't stop giggling…there is seriously something wrong with me. Speaking of that, I saw something really bizarre. Handy was trying to give Petunia a hand job, who is in a skimpy maid outfit. "Heh! Heh! All right!" I say to myself, impersonating Glenn Quagmire from Family Guy.

"YOU CAN'T DO IT HANDY!" I yell. He gives me a piercing glare and shouts back, "YES I CAN!" Petunia probably thinks we're both weirdos by the expression on her face. "Awwww looks like your arms are too short. Just like your penis!" I sneer, causing his face to turn beet red. "OH THAT'S IT!" He raged, standing up and running towards me. "YOU MADE MY ERECTION GO DOWN YOU ASSHOLE!" Handy yells. I gulp and then realize…seriously…what can he do to hurt me? Bob the Builder lands in front of him and declares, "Can you fix it? No you can't cause you don't have any hands." "FUCK OFF!" Handy screams kicking Bob in the stomach and out of the way. Now I'm in deep shit!

Handy is one pissed off carpenter! I'll admit, it's kind of funny yet uncomfortable. I notice Petunia staring at us with her eyes shot right open. She jitters, takes out a huge bottle of Windex and drinks the whole thing. She faints and probably died already. Seriously? What do you expect from a fucking Windex bottle?

A furious Handy is headed right towards me and "In the End" by Black Veil Brides starts to play. _'In the end, as we fade into the night! Whoa! Who will tell the story of your life?' _Ugh! I am SO IRRITATED! "Just what I need! A song to perfectly fit my tragic situation." I sarcastically thought aloud to myself. _'In the end, as_

_my soul's laid to rest what is left of my body? Or am I just a shell?'_ I loudly groan and glare at Handy. It feels like this whole thing was planned? Looks like I'm going to die…again.

"BOOM! BOOM!"

"What's that?" I ask in a startled manner.

"I don't know!" Handy replies, as he quickly stops in his tracks.

"BOOM! BOOM!"

"BOOM! BOOM!"

"BOOM! BOOM!"

"BOOM! BOOM!"

"BOOM! BOOM!"

"BOOM! BOOM!"

"BOOM! BOOM!"

"BOOM! BOOM!"

Out of one of the club doors emerges a very fat sumo wrestler. But it wasn't just any sumo wrestler….no. It was Honey Boo Boo's mom. The loud, shaking booming noise was each step she took. "Uh oh!" Handy and I both gasp in unison. There is nothing but sheer terror written all over our faces. I do a triple somersault on the ground against the wall, far away from Handy. Honey Boo Boo's mom finally stops in front of the poor armless carpenter, staring down at him with her quadruple chin. "Where do ya thank yur goin, Honey Boo Boo chaaaaaald?" Handy backs away slowly, with cold sweat dripping from his forehead. "Mama?" He calls out. Obviously, his mother isn't here and isn't going to rescue him. Poor guy! I feel bad for picking on him now.

I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, and I couldn't stop thinking about Handy and the unfortunate situation he was in. If she gives him the go-go juice…he's done for.

My speed gave me a very well advantage, and soon a disadvantage. I bump into The Mole, causing us both to fall on the ground. He feels the floor trying to get to his feet and calls for help. I heavily sigh and lift him up from the ground, "Sorry, dude!" "It's cool!" He replies, fixing his glasses. "I sense a disastrous aura around you." My one eye twitches and I stare at him feeling violated of my personal space. "What the hell?!"

"Ah! Ah! Ah!" The Mole shushes me, placing a finger over my lips. "Your mind will be at ease, if you take this." He holds out the palm of his hand. And in his hand is a hot pink pill with sparkles…it was amazing. "What's that?" I question stunned out of my mind. "Your savior! Take this and your life will change for the better." I didn't even hesitate to take the pill; I just did and swallowed it down. I'm man enough to take it without water or any sort of beverage.

The Mole was right! My life is suddenly changing for the better. Holy crap nuggets! I start to see a variety of rainbow drops falling from the sky. And that wasn't all! Yellow happy faces were everywhere and narwhals…don't ask. It's a wonderful dream come true! Then a naked Nutty runs up onto the main stage of the club and apparently its karaoke night.

_"SPRING BREAK!" Nutty shouts into the microphone, feeling his hard nipples. "It's the middle of November!" Cuddles_

calls out from a distance. "Who cares about November!" Flippy yells, who chucks a flying Snooki at Cuddles. "SNOOKI WANTS SMOOSH SMOOSH!" the abnormal creature shrieks before landing on the poor boy and humping his now dead body. "YAY BLOOD ORGY!" Flaky screams before running out of the club, with dandruff falling behind.

The whole interior of the club went silent before Nutty spoke again. "Now its music time…HIT IT DJ TRUFFLES!" The sailor boy wearing pimped out DJ glasses starts blasting electro pop music. Nutty starts dancing the Caramelldansen before singing his selected song. "This sounds way too familiar!" I thought aloud. "Wait a minute…it is…it's…Blood on the Dance Floor." My mouth dropped and I soon face palmed myself. It is Nutty's all time favorite band and he always sings their songs 24/7. There was even a time where he kept aggravating and urging Russell to sing one of their songs, "Yo, Ho!"

All of the sounds surrounding me were very faint and muffled. Nutty grabs a giant lollipop and starts grinding on the stick and seductively licking the candy. Lammy was screaming like a Justin Bieber fan girl who just got his blown-in tissue. _'My sticky lollipop, inside your sweet gumdrop! I'm about to explode! It feels too good to stop! Just taste my tootsie roll, you melt my icicle. I gotta get my fix, please lick my pixie stick!'_ His singing was driving everybody nuts…but not in a bad way. In fact, it was a very sexual way. Giggles and Lammy started making out and Russell and Mime were tearing off each other's clothes like wild animals. Queen Latifah walks into the scene with a bucket of KFC and yells, "Oh HAIL NO!" She snaps her fingers in a Z formation and a hip rotation before walking off.

Was all of this real or was I just seeing things? I honestly don't know anymore! And no…I'm not going to say "YOLO" like some kind of swag fag, ok? Happy Tree Friends don't simply YOLO, we live and die all the fucking time. Deal with it bro! Deal with it!

"I HATE YOU ALL!" I scream, running away onto one of the pole dancing stages. The song "Porn Star Dancing" by My Darkest Days starts blasting on the speakers after Nutty is done singing. I strut sexily onto the stage and by the pole, like Adam Lambert. But something was wrong…and I knew exactly what it was. It was Miley…Miley Cyrus…and she was twerking on the fucking stage. She has no ass I tell you, I repeat, no ass. "Get off the stage you trashy hoe." I take out a bazooka a blast her through the walls and out of the club. "This is mah song!" I proclaim with a gleam in my eye.

I was grinding, thrusting, and spanking my round ass on that metal pole. Let's face it, right now I'm hotter than Megan Fox and Mila Kunis combined. A cute girl yells something at me, catching my attention. I turn around to eye her and oh my god she was smokin' hot. Her emerald green eyes and dark brunette hair were traits of hers I noticed first. "Give me a show I'll remember!" she requests, winking at me. I lean down from the stage and run a hand down through her hair. My eyes fill with lust as I scan her gorgeous and sexy body. "Gladly!" I whisper, hearing her giggle.

She sits down on a nearby chair and motions me over to give her a lap dance. The girl grabs my ass and pulls me closer to her, now feeling my chest. My dick was so hard, it was literally pulsing and she could feel it. "Show me what you've got!" Right now, I was going to do whatever she told me to do. I'm so aroused! I lowered down my ass and teased her with it, I think she was drooling. Am I really that good? I hope so!

_"Wow, you're a lot better than Magic Mike!" she tells me, feeling herself all over. That is the compliment of all compliment of compliments…I'm very well honored. "Thanks baby!" I reply,_

because that's what came out of my mouth. I turn around and grind my hard-on against her crotch. "Want to take our business somewhere else?" I ask, licking my lips and feeling her huge breast. "Sure!" she responds. "I know a room we can go in."

BAM! Disco Bear and Bear from the Big Blue House barge open the main entrance to the club looking angry as hell. "WHERE'S LIFTY AND SHIFTY?!" Disco Bear screams driving everyone's attention to him. "Kids, do you know what kleptomaniacs are?" Bear said. That animatronic bear is a pedophile…I swear to god.

_I bit my lip hard and started to sweat. He's on to me! The female I was entertaining a minute ago took a glimpse at me and knew that I'm in trouble. "Hurry!" she whisper-shouted, grabbing my hand. "Let's go to that room!" She sprints quickly, pulling me from behind. We got to one of the bedrooms that anyone could rent for the night. I plop down heavily on the comfy bed and pant heavily from running. The girl slams the door and locks it securely, now casting her beautiful eyes on me. I take off my vest and unbutton my white shirt, now showing off my hot abs and six-pack. "Wanna have some fun?" I question her, in my sexy and raspy voice. She slowly strips off her clothes and crawls on top of me, "Whenever you are!" I roll her over so that I'm now on top. "Let's do this sugar daddy!" She says, feeling my hot pecks and abs. That's when I made the first move and we started to get it on. I'm finally gonna score with a girl, this is the best day of my life._

* * *

**Belle: Took me five hours to completely write this chapter and come up with the ideas for it...I hope you're happy!**

**Lifty: You all just witnessed the best chapter of your entire life!**

**Shifty: Really Lifty? Really? -.-**

**Lifty: Yeah because I'm the STAR!**

**Shifty: Whatever, this chapter was hella weird!**

**Belle: Yeah I know...I swear I wasn't on any drugs while writing this! T^T**

**Shifty: Say whatever you want we know the truth**

**Belle: *goes in the emo corner and cries***

**Lifty: Shifty you're an ass! xD**

**Shifty: You know it! :P**

**Lifty: Please review and keep your eye out for chapter 4**

**Belle: Yeah, it's a four-shot by the way!**


End file.
